Jordan Mentz

Written when I was experiencing thoughts of suicide.
You have brought me through a valley/and when my eyes are opened/it is then my heart comes to life/because you let me breathe again/I feel like my heart is shattered/but you have picked me up/and I can see you healing my hurts/giving you my hand/holding nothing back/with a mask I try to hide the pain/my joy inside remains hidden/behind my mask of my insecurity/I tried to be open/and I wound up/learning to listen/to the voice inside my heart/and I didn’t know what I was feeling/because I was wrapped in my situation/ I have been falling to the bottom/and as I lay awake/wondering if I was going to be able/to open my eyes/the feelings and mixed emotions/had me wondering if I would see/another sunset and take another step/I have been falling to the bottom/and I am learning to trust in my Savior’s grace/it is then I see my redeemer’s face/I don’t know what to say/but I will trust you with my life/I cannot explain this hurt/that my past has caused me/but you have erased from memory/the darkest side of me/and I want to move on/ I cannot explain this pain/and I can’t begin to comprehend/the grace and mercy in your eyes/I know that you have forgiven every lie/I don’t understand the beauty you made/within my heart/you didn’t need me to spread your message/but you chose to create me/and with your help I am learning to live with my love/protector, provider, my everything my king/holding my life in your hand/open up my heart/so that you may resurrect my spirit/I can fly away with the wings/you gave me and I will rise up on the wings of eagles/ The pain that has hurt/for the longest time/God is teaching me to let it go/I am going to give my past/present and my future back to God/I remember the day I fell to the bottom/and the valley I thought I had consumed me/I saw the sunset/of a day full of darkness/I was hurting so I didn’t look for the sunrise/I just wanted the pain to pass/I can see clearly/that I need to/go through this valley/so I can learn to deal with my pain/I don’t know if I can endure/but I am still having doubts/but I find my peace within your eyes/

I look in the mirror/all I see is a mask/because I have hurting/what would the world say/if they found out I was not OK/I need to do some searching/because I am looking for the man/in the mirror not the one behind the mask/I have forgotten the real me/because I wanted the fake me/I cannot remember the last time/I saw myself the way you see me/Everything white as snow/washed in your blood/you see me as holy/when I look in the mirror I feel dirty/but I cannot cry enough/because sometimes the person inside/is hurting deeply/

Behind the mask/lies a broken heart/with my eyes tearing up/I am on the brink of a break through/either I let you take my mask away/and the world will see/the joy I received when I didn’t care/about the mask because I knew who I was/or I could choose to remain hidden/I want to open up my life/lay it before your throne/When I was thinking about ending it all/then wondering if the mask was in the end worth it/I didn’t want the world to see/the man in the mirror/because I hated who I was behind the mask/as I open up my life/to let the world see/who God created me to be/

If you ask me/if I am ok/I could tell you/that everything is fine/I put up a front/to try to deal with the pain/because it hurts to be real/letting the world know the way you feel/healing cannot start until you see your problem/I have cried myself to sleep/because I have wanted to end it/with the click of a button/and then I found my Bible/I have forgotten what it was like/to live without a mask/the pain still remains/because a mask just hides it/from the rest of the world/there are many times when/I have forgotten the hurting man behind the mask/

I am fighting a battle/with my life on the line/the masked man is winning/because I have been hiding/so long that I have accepted a fake/I know that on my knees/is the safest place to be/because you are close to the broken hearted/It has been so long I forgot how these thoughts started/thoughts of suicide and hiding my pain behind the mask/I don’t know why/I have tried to hide/because I have been found/I want to come back/as I jump into your arms/I want my life to bring you glory/and I need you to teach me to take away the mask/