Jordan Mentz

I feel like bawling like a baby
Because I need so much attention
My heart is breaking when I thought that it was healing
I thought that healing was what I needed
But I didn’t know how much I had been wounded
I didn’t want to make it worse I wanted to break the curse
I feel like a baby who is crying, longing to be held
Crying for something that only he knows
My tears are flowing down my cheeks
Will anyone know, does anyone see
Or have we become too calloused to the emotions of man
I didn’t mean to let my tears reveal my fears
I want to be whole again and I don’t know what to do
Do I have to rip away the scabs that hide my deepest hurts
Revealing the wounds that have caused me to want to turn them into scars
I wanted to be different but I didn’t know what that would mean
Is it worth baring my heart, and revealing to myself what has kept me in bondage
I know the answer, but its still an ongoing battle
Daddy I need you to hold me close
Whispering to me that you love me and it will be ok
Even though I can’t see how it can be ok today
I didn’t want to doubt you, but I found myself longing for your touch
I need God to lift my face and show me his grace,
To tell me how it was to die in my place
Its so amazing but I can’t wrap my little fingers around it
Hold me close
Hold me close to your heart
I wanna hear your heart beat
With my eyes watery, and my cheeks streaming with my tears of pain,
I feel like I am drowning, in a river full of emotion
I feel like I am gasping for air,
Crying out and wondering if anyone cares.
Wanting to end my life, to make it go away
Asking myself is it worth another scar,
I wonder is it worth another day to live

Walking along a body of water…thinking to myself does anyone know the real me…
I wanted to be real…and tell others how I feel…
But until tonight I had chose to keep it all concealed…
It was building up inside…about ready to explode…
I had to do something…before I imploded from the tension…

There was a point in time…when I realized that I needed to be myself…
Its one thing to share in writing…but its another to peel away the mask…
That has kept you hidden…from all the hurt and pain nestled deep inside…
When I looked behind the mask…I didn’t recognize the man I saw…
but I couldn’t be more relieved that…I had figured out who God saw me as…

There are times…when I want to cry myself to sleep…
Blend into the woodwork…and escape from reality…
But there is healing when you open up…the closet that you have created…
Wanting to be real…and not wanting to show others how I really feel…
Realizing that you can’t do both…and I realized tonight that I’m gonna have to fight…

I’ve seen the rain and sometimes it causes me pain
to see the world breaking around me
I didn’t want for you to bring me rain,
but with the rain brings growth

I ask you to bring me rain, so I can sit back and watch me grow
The trials in my life, are bringing me one step closer
to feeling your healing, and one step closer to your heart.
I wanted to go through my life with never being nourished

I am scorched and my soul is parched
Oh how I need you to rain down mercy on my desert
Wanting a taste of refreshment, but too scared to soak it up
I am uncertain about what you need to grow in my life

I know it will not be easy
I know it will not be fun
I know you will bring me closer
I know you will bring me comfort.

Inspired by Tenth Avenue North “Hold my Heart” off the album “Over and Underneath.”

I keep running away because I feel so unworthy
But I want to learn to draw near to you because I know when I seek you I will find you
I want to hold your hand as you lift my head
I know I shouldn’t fear because God is my portion
I want to experience the love that you have given me

I want to share that love with others
As you told us to pick up our cross and follow you
That night on Calvary
You took three nails to be with me
I still don’t understand it but I will hold your hand

There are many things that I want to give you
It seems like there is always more
I can’t seem to trust you to hold
I didn’t want to keep anything back from you
But I realize I do it everyday.

8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. James 4:8

In my mind I admit I had imagined what it would be like
To spend the rest of my life alone
I didn’t want anyone to know that I was afraid to bare my heart on the phone
I wanted there to be some sort of mask to try to hide my pain and confusion

In my mind, there was pain and confusion
Trying to see past the intimate illusion that people really knew who I was on the inside
What happened to the childlike spirit that seemed to disappear at the same time I did
There are so many things I wanted to hide knowing it would be better to find a friend to
confide

I am learning to sort out the things in my mind
A lot like cleaning out my closet
I found out what is true about me
And that’s what I want others to see

There are many times I have looked for something more to make sense of this thing called humanity
I tried and tried, and in the end it realized that I was gonna have to plead insanity
Trying the same thing over and over and expecting the results to be different.

Trying to put together…the pieces of my life…
not knowing if they will fit…and in the end give me a beautiful picture…
Knowing that I am broken…realizing that you have freed me from my sin…
Wanting to put my life back just the way I want…as you tell me that isn’t for me to decide…

There are times…when I try to put together the pieces of my shattered life…
Wanting them to fit just right…the way I want them to fit oh so tight…
I know it’s probably not the way you want it…but as I learn to trust for you to work it out…
Help me realize that there is so much more to life…then the things I try to figure out…

Wanting to fit in…I know I will but I just don’t know where…
It’s hard sometimes to know that you care…but sometimes its hard to know you are there…
I know that there is hope…for me to feel loved…
But sometimes I seem to give up…because I have been shoved into a place I don’t fit…

What am I missing…what do I have to contribute…
What do I have to offer…and what do I have to give…
I know in the end…the picture will become clear…
As I learn what it means to trust you…to bring me clarity…

Inspired by Scott Shipman’s sermon about puzzles, and how each person is part of the big
picture.

My head is spinning and my heart is racing…with a torrent of emotions…
flooding my mind…like hurricane of desire…soaking me to the core…
On a day…that seems I am lost tossing at sea…
Looking for some relief…a shelter from the storm…

I hear a slight whisper…amidst the thunder of my soul…
It’s telling me to stay put…and wait for the storm to cease…
Like the titanic, I feel like…my heart is indestructible at times…
I thought that nothing was gonna phase me…but found my self sinking…

Wanting to move forward…wanting to ignore the warning signs…
Trying to decipher between the rain…and when the sun decides to shine…
Staying put in a world…that runs us over if we are taking it too slow…
Trying really hard…to keep my head above water…

We gotta wait for the right time
We gotta trust God for the words
We gotta believe God for the answers
We gotta have faith He knows what’s best

Inspired by my friendship with Hannah, and the fact I have to wait.