Jordan Mentz

Written when I was experiencing thoughts of suicide.
You have brought me through a valley/and when my eyes are opened/it is then my heart comes to life/because you let me breathe again/I feel like my heart is shattered/but you have picked me up/and I can see you healing my hurts/giving you my hand/holding nothing back/with a mask I try to hide the pain/my joy inside remains hidden/behind my mask of my insecurity/I tried to be open/and I wound up/learning to listen/to the voice inside my heart/and I didn’t know what I was feeling/because I was wrapped in my situation/ I have been falling to the bottom/and as I lay awake/wondering if I was going to be able/to open my eyes/the feelings and mixed emotions/had me wondering if I would see/another sunset and take another step/I have been falling to the bottom/and I am learning to trust in my Savior’s grace/it is then I see my redeemer’s face/I don’t know what to say/but I will trust you with my life/I cannot explain this hurt/that my past has caused me/but you have erased from memory/the darkest side of me/and I want to move on/ I cannot explain this pain/and I can’t begin to comprehend/the grace and mercy in your eyes/I know that you have forgiven every lie/I don’t understand the beauty you made/within my heart/you didn’t need me to spread your message/but you chose to create me/and with your help I am learning to live with my love/protector, provider, my everything my king/holding my life in your hand/open up my heart/so that you may resurrect my spirit/I can fly away with the wings/you gave me and I will rise up on the wings of eagles/ The pain that has hurt/for the longest time/God is teaching me to let it go/I am going to give my past/present and my future back to God/I remember the day I fell to the bottom/and the valley I thought I had consumed me/I saw the sunset/of a day full of darkness/I was hurting so I didn’t look for the sunrise/I just wanted the pain to pass/I can see clearly/that I need to/go through this valley/so I can learn to deal with my pain/I don’t know if I can endure/but I am still having doubts/but I find my peace within your eyes/

I look in the mirror/all I see is a mask/because I have hurting/what would the world say/if they found out I was not OK/I need to do some searching/because I am looking for the man/in the mirror not the one behind the mask/I have forgotten the real me/because I wanted the fake me/I cannot remember the last time/I saw myself the way you see me/Everything white as snow/washed in your blood/you see me as holy/when I look in the mirror I feel dirty/but I cannot cry enough/because sometimes the person inside/is hurting deeply/

Behind the mask/lies a broken heart/with my eyes tearing up/I am on the brink of a break through/either I let you take my mask away/and the world will see/the joy I received when I didn’t care/about the mask because I knew who I was/or I could choose to remain hidden/I want to open up my life/lay it before your throne/When I was thinking about ending it all/then wondering if the mask was in the end worth it/I didn’t want the world to see/the man in the mirror/because I hated who I was behind the mask/as I open up my life/to let the world see/who God created me to be/

If you ask me/if I am ok/I could tell you/that everything is fine/I put up a front/to try to deal with the pain/because it hurts to be real/letting the world know the way you feel/healing cannot start until you see your problem/I have cried myself to sleep/because I have wanted to end it/with the click of a button/and then I found my Bible/I have forgotten what it was like/to live without a mask/the pain still remains/because a mask just hides it/from the rest of the world/there are many times when/I have forgotten the hurting man behind the mask/

I am fighting a battle/with my life on the line/the masked man is winning/because I have been hiding/so long that I have accepted a fake/I know that on my knees/is the safest place to be/because you are close to the broken hearted/It has been so long I forgot how these thoughts started/thoughts of suicide and hiding my pain behind the mask/I don’t know why/I have tried to hide/because I have been found/I want to come back/as I jump into your arms/I want my life to bring you glory/and I need you to teach me to take away the mask/

Another song when I was dealing with suicide.

I just discovered what/the meaning of pain is/and I have just figured out the reason/for the tests in our lives/each trial that we face is preparing us/for another situation, and if you take a minute/you can begin to see the big picture/and it when it is not crystal clear/we must remember that God/will draw us near wherever we are at in life/and when we are hurting/it is then we experience true healing/if I fell to the bottom of myself/would I learn to grab a hold of you/When I feel like I am down/I need to look to you for my loving peace/So I am asking you/have you met my God/have you trusted in Him/have you met your maker/do you know why/the reason that He died/because He wanted to show His love/have you met the reason/that you’re breathing/and have you met the alpha/who is the beginning/and the Omega oh you are the end/Have you seen the reason/you were put upon this earth/have you a reason/for the faith that you claim/have you met my savior/have you met my redeemer/have you met my lover/have you met the church His bride/ If there was more to life/than who you have met/would you want me to tell you/that there is so much more/I cannot see past my situations/but I can see my liberation/within your hands as you carry me/we killed you with three nails/then you put right these tilted scales/if I could remember the first time/the pastor asked me if we had met before/would my answer be yes or no/I can’t seem to break enough/to see your love pouring out/of your hands upon the cross/and I don’t know why I have to cry/before I see clearly/ I have been trying for so long/on my own tired and going nowhere/but I can see/the light at the end of the tunnel/and I have to go through the valley/You have carried me through/because I have taken your hand/and I am not going to take my life/because it is not my own/because of the love you’ve shown/has cleansed me with forgiveness/for all I have ever done/I have seen what it means/to be hanging by a thread/but I was not missing in the balance/God had worked it out/before I stressed out/He knew everything all along/

As I walk this road/I hold on to your hand I cannot see in front of me/I don’t care what lies behind/ All I know is that there/is someone who walks beside me/ He lets me know that he/hems me in before and after Within His arms/I find my beauty/ I cannot believe He is right/beside me every step/

I need to be beside myself/and let you walk beside me/ How many times/must I fall down/until I learn you’ll pick me up I am carried from my sorrows/upon the shoulders of your son/ I cannot believe that my savior chose to die/and lives again/ Can I face the future/not knowing where I am going/ I want to believe your word is true/and you show me more of you/

If this is what life is like/on this side of eternity/ Can I ever imagine what it must be like/a world of no hurting and no pain I can trust you to walk beside me/in my journey of the unknown/ I cannot see you/but know you are there beside me/ When I give you all I have/you tell me that you gave me your son/ My own desires fade away/there is nothing I want more than you/

If I can tell you how I feel/my actions would reflect your love/ That I would rest in your peace/when I lay my head down/ Please show me that you are beside me/as I go through the valleys/ I am not alone/as I travel in the way you have shown me/

I keep trying to hold on/to something that isn’t there/I long to grab a hold of you/but I can’t seem to let myself find you/I have been trying to let you have control/but I am realizing I need to rediscover you/in a brand new way/can I look for you/in every situation/so that I can trust you with everything/

Have I strayed to far/and have I tried to hard/to find something that satisfied me/apart from the one who fulfills me/a time I tell you what I’ve felt/if I knew how to put into words/the feelings I have/because I am so confused right now/if I knew what it means you’re/holding onto me and you’re never let me go/

If there has been a time/I needed to hold on to you/I need you more than ever/because I feel so hurt/by this world and all it’s lame tactics/I don’t know how to ask you/and I don’t know how to thank you/for holding onto me/even while I am trying to let go/of the things that I had held onto/

There are things that I thought meant everything/only to discover you mean more/than I have learned what it means/to hold on to you/while my grasp on this world is slipping/I gladly hold onto you/but I need to let go of the things/that have my attention/and focus my energy on the one who lives

“Tonight” off the Album “Beyond Measure” by Jeremy Camp

So many questions running through my mind/I have been searching for the answers/but coming up with more confusion/because I was asking the questions/and not caring about the answers/I tend to ignore the answers/if I don’t like them/and I want to change the answers you give me/to fit my timetable/

I don’t understand the questions/I am asking/but I am desperate for answers/because I have ignored you/for the longest time/and I am ready to accept your answers/even if I don’t fully comprehend the reason/behind your answers/but I am willing to embrace/everything you tell me/

When my life is a mess/I ask more questions/and I know I can’t have all the answers/I just need to trust you/to lead me one step at a time/it is so hard when I look up/and all I have set my sight upon/has crumbled and collapsed beneath me/all I have left to grab onto is you/you are my hope and security/

If this is how it is/in the land of milk of honey/I realize I don’t need money/because all I’ll have is you/and I will trust you to carry me/all my burdens hopes and fears/I will have no more questions/because within your smile/and within you/you give me all the answers/with a glimpse of your majesty/

If I knew how much/it cost you to love me/would I live my life any different/knowing how much my life is worth/when I am in awe of your faithfulness to me/as I see how much I mean to you/so you can be my everything/if I gave you all of me/out of my love for you/

How much could I give/how much would I give/to feel the hand of my savior/how much would I have to let go/to grab a hold of your mercy/how much can I say about your faithfulness/without making up new words to describe you/how much you mean to me/will never be able to be explained

You loved me enough to want to be with me/you have given me a gift I gladly receive/so I could be who you want me to be/I am your child/and you are my Father/and I want to get to know you/I need you to sustain me/even in my darkest hour/and carry me through my toughest trials

How much do I have left to give you/I ask you to search my heart/and see if there is any offensive way within my soul/as I seek to give you full control/I cannot give you enough/to repay you for your gift/but I want to try as hard as I can/I offer you my life/my heart and thoughts/

I want to live my life/in such a way that touches your heart/I give you my heart/and I want to give you all the praise/this is all I have to offer/I say thank you/for giving me a new beginning/I have never felt so close to you/than when I am thanking you/for everything you did for me/

If this is what touches the heart of God/I want my life to reflect the cry/of your heart Oh Lord/If you will show me what it means/to sit at your feet/with tears running down my cheeks/in awe of your splendor/and I am so thankful for you giving me your son/I cannot speak/all I can do is cry with a grateful heart/

Tears have been my food/because I am realizing what/it means to be loved by my maker/when I sit in adoration/I have taken a lot for granted/but now I realize you were behind it/I deserve nothing/but you chose to give me everything/because your blood has washed my sin away/

I cannot hide the way I feel/because my face has been a glow/with the splendor of your kindness/and I cannot give up hope/because I will not give you up/you have been mine/even when I chose to push you aside/you have made me worthy/of being your child/because I am yours/

From the moment the world was created/your breath had the life you breathed into my lungs/you chose to create me/from dust so I can know you/In the garden/Adam did not mess up your magnificient plan/you have blessed me/with a gift of life/when I made the choice to follow you/

It is in you I have found my worth/and it is in you/I have my existence/it is in you/I have found what I have been looking for/it is in you/all my doubts washed away/as I learn what it means to trust you/It is in you/I find my rest/it is in you/I am secure in your arms/

You have shown me/the meaning of true love/you’ve been there for me/when I fall on my knees/I know you don’t let me down/even when I let myself go/I can’t say it using words/what you did on the cross/or could I use my actions/as a testimony of your love/

It is in you/I find myself/encompassed in your love/laying in your arms/gazing into your eyes/that speak compassion/and the same hands that were pierced/gently holding my hand/leading me home/and your voice has become a whisper/and I pray that I can hear that/that you love me/

I want to thank you/for the love you gave me/I have so much to rejoice about/you didn’t have to love me/but you chose to love me anyway/you have given me so much/that I have to be thankful for/and I wanted to thank you for my life/and I wanted to thank you for dying to express your love for me/

The words thank you could never be enough/to give my love to you/you tell me to rejoice/and sometimes I get down and I lose hope/but you gently help me up/and I wanted to tell you thank you/I don’t seem to know the privilege/you gave me to bring you honor and praise/

I am unworthy of your love/but you bled forgiveness/and your face melts my heart/so my heart is soft/so please take this lump of clay/mold it into everything you want/I cannot give you enough to thank you/but your death has spoken healing/and you resurrected the spirit within me/

If I had all the time/that this body could muster/I just wanted to rejoice in you everything/even in my trials/when I cannot seem to find you/because I know that you didn’t have to find me/but I have so much to thank you for/but there are not enough words/to express the gratitude I have/

Inspired by Jeremy Camp “I am nothing” off the Album “Beyond Measure”