Jordan Mentz

This is a story about trusting God even when you don’t know what the next step is

As I walk through life, feeling like I am all alone, and no one could possibly understand
As I try to reminisce about the life I led before I found the answers
That was just the problem, I was the one leading and I was getting nowhere
I am bowing before you, asking for you to show me the way

I don’t want to live in darkness any longer, I long for the light
Struggling to keep my head up, but whenever I look away all I do is fall
Show me what a life of freedom has to offer
Show me what it means to let you lead

There are obstacles that I can’t get past, but you know how it will end
There are struggles that leave me gasping for air
Getting tired of allowing hurt to get the best of me
Having tried everything by myself leaves me searching for something greater

Show me what it means to live for you
Show me what it means to die for something that you love
Show me what it’s like to be called a child of a king
Show me what it’s like to be the spotless bride

So many times, we try to catch the little things in life as they float away
We try so hard, and realize that all we are left with is an empty cup
Sure, while it seems we may at least capture some of the constantly fading bubbles
We soon get frustrated because we realize that the bubbles disappeared
We look for bubbles, thinking that they are what we need to fill our coffee cup
Trying to catch the bubbles seems like so much fun, but if you touch the bubbles
They quickly disappear, then more bubbles reappear in their place
So there is much excitement in watching the bubbles, but there comes a point when you realize that they are only temporary
If grown-ups understood this, how would it affect how we live?
How would it affect the things we spend time chasing?
How would it affect the things we try to put into our coffee cup?
Thinking that bubbles would fill up our coffee cups, while may seem completely logical to the mind of a child, is often times the mentality we take into other areas of our lives as well
As adults we know there are temporary things and eternal things, but yet so many times we go chasing bubbles so that we can say look how many bubbles I have in my coffee cup
There are many things that will disappear like bubbles in our coffee cup, and no matter how many bubbles we catch, they will all disappear into nothing
While running after bubbles can be fun, the same outcome is evident
You can catch all the bubbles, and be extremely happy with the constant mystery of where the bubbles are going to end up
This is the mentality many Christians in today’s world,
We know what will fill our cups (hearts) but yet we chase after the little bubbles that seem so intriguing to us, and we run after things that when we finally ‘catch’ them they will disappear
We know now that the things of this world will pass away, but the things done to advance the Kingdom will last forever.

Inspired by a little girl trying to catch bubbles in her coffee cup

I didn’t want to leave you alone in your room sobbing for someone better
I didn’t want for me to be the one who left you in your shattered state
Alas it was when I lost you, it finally hit me You never really loved me to begin with
Your affections were with someone who you met on the train
I should’ve listened to my heart when it told me this was over
I wanted to come back while asking myself the question how many more lovers have you left behind

It gripped me like a hand reaching out of the wall
You couldn’t see what it was that had taken me by surprise
You couldn’t see but deep inside you knew the feel of rejection gripping your soul
The fingers squeezing the life out of you and your long lost romance
The mood was then set for a double murder; the thing you held onto now turned it’s back on you

The reality hit me like a ton of bricks
The nature of the fallen that once intrigued my very soul
The ghost like figures that have risen from the closet
The scars that remain from me putting my hope in something I thought would last
There was a cloud that darkened the view I once had of freedom
All was black, and I wondered if I would ever see the truth

A grave that had been dug for you, now buried us both
Six feet underneath the surface, are you really someone else
Or are you the same person who took everything from me
Leaving me with nothing; and taking all you could

Sit on my lap let me tell you a story
Trying to paint you a picture of what it means to love
Look at the man resting on the hill with tears in his eyes
Trying to figure out the reason that the man is crying, its so nice out
He motions for me to come over and sit next to him
I hesitantly walk over to the man
When I sat down he put his arm around me
I asked him why he was crying and he offered to paint me a picture using his story this is how it goes

I created you in my image and even though you question my existence
I saw you as my own creation and looked off in the distance I saw a hill
My eyes filled with tears, and then you asked me why I was crying
I gave you a hug, and told you that I was crying so that you don’t have to
I let you put your hands where the nails once were
I asked another question, and you told me it its you that I died for
I asked why you would die for me a dirty ugly whore

You told me that you washed me clean
You told me that I no longer needed to live in bondage
You told me that I was free from the grip of sin that has left me crippled
I asked a number of questions, you gave me the answers
Then I asked if you could give me love
You pointed to the cross and told me that it’s you that I died for

Walking along a body of water…thinking to myself does anyone know the real me…
I wanted to be real…and tell others how I feel…
But until tonight I had chose to keep it all concealed…
It was building up inside…about ready to explode…
I had to do something…before I imploded from the tension…

There was a point in time…when I realized that I needed to be myself…
Its one thing to share in writing…but its another to peel away the mask…
That has kept you hidden…from all the hurt and pain nestled deep inside…
When I looked behind the mask…I didn’t recognize the man I saw…
but I couldn’t be more relieved that…I had figured out who God saw me as…

There are times…when I want to cry myself to sleep…
Blend into the woodwork…and escape from reality…
But there is healing when you open up…the closet that you have created…
Wanting to be real…and not wanting to show others how I really feel…
Realizing that you can’t do both…and I realized tonight that I’m gonna have to fight…

There he is walking by the river…its just him and his savior…
on a cold winter’s night…standing on the edge of a bridge…not wanting to end it…
Looking at the water…trying to see his own reflection…
Looking in the mirror…there he is…a man standing next to him…
I didn’t know who it was…but he placed his hand on my shoulder…
He told me that He knew me…I wanted to believe Him…but I could not remember…

Walking around my room trying to understand…the events that happened during the day…
Thinking to myself…if I really knew Him…why didn’t I recognize Him…
It had been so long…then it finally struck me…that He was my creator…
I had been lost…for so long that I forgot the feeling…astray without a master…
I laid my head down and prayed…asking him to show himself again…
Had it been a dream…that I was walking with my maker…just me and Him that night…

As I went to bed…I closed my eyes and prayed…drifting into a sub conscious state of mind…
He gently spoke to me…told me it wasn’t a dream…
That he was there all along…but I didn’t take time to notice…I wanted another chance to see him…
He touched my face and lifted my chin…looked deep into my eyes…told me that he loved me…
I asked him why he died in my place…he showed me his scars and let me put my fingers there…
He told me that he was thinking of me…when he was on the tree…that night on Calvary…

As I woke up I wanted to go walking…because I just might see him and say there he is…
I had so much to tell him…about the dream that I had…about him walking beside me…
He repeated what he told me in the dream…that he had been there all along…
I realized that He already knew…all that was on my heart…and I wanted to hear him speak…
Standing in the silence of another starry night…I thought I heard a whisper…
There he was…standing next to me…telling me that he loved me…and was with me all along…

I was out walking
not thinking about anything specific
Then I felt a hand touching my heart
I asked myself what is this feeling
I wanted to listen
But I found the touch of a father

The time I rolled out of bed
I felt something different
I was alive because a burden had been lifted
My shoulders felt lighter, and I realized what had happened
I realized the baggage I had been carrying
I laid at the feet of the cross asking for forgiveness

That night something happened
My life had changed because I had given back my past
Holding on it to it for so long I forgot what it meant to live free
I haven’t been able to live, because I did not know what it meant to die
To myself let my past go, and jump into the arms of grace
the hand that lifted my burden and healed my heart
The same hand that was pierced for my sin was holding me gently.