My heart is hurt
My heart feels like it’s being torn in thousands of pieces. It feels numb to the things that it can’t understand, and it seems that I can’t get the information I need. It’s so hard for me to understand, the things I cannot possibly know. I don’t know what is to come, but I hope it is better than this hell I am living now. It’s hard to trust when that trust is just beginning. Many wounds that exist below the surface, what others cannot see. People tell me I need to wait, a little while longer, but that has seen weeks turn to months. It’s hard for me to comprehend, a love that knows no ends.
It’s a complicated situation, and I need to trust but it’s not easy. Lot’s of unknowns, lots of pressure building inside my head. It may explode, it may be impossible for me to recognize the fallout when it all comes spilling out. It’s been a day of hope, but it could just as easily change to despair. There are people who care for me, and people taking care of my bride, but it’s so hard not being connected to that part of my life for now. It’s hard for me to listen, when my mind is screaming. My healing can begin, when my heart is cared for. My head can clear, when I know everyone is safe. Right
now my heart is breaking, because it’s been so hard to keep hope alive. It’s been a mess, the last couple of months. There is peace to be offered, but right now it’s hard to see because my vision is cloudy. My commotion is no match for everlasting peace. It’s hard for me to understand what lies ahead, because it feels like I can’t get past the mess I left behind. People
have told me that they get it, but I often wonder if they don’t know what to say. It is hard for me to realize, that people want to help me, when they offer opinions that don’t match with mine. It’s hard for me to try anymore, because I feel beaten down. I don’t like the uncertainty that comes from no action. It seems like I have nothing left to give and I am running on empty. If this is how it ends, then why is there even hope? It feels like I can’t believe what people tell me anymore Lots of pain, driving me to my breaking point. Lots of emotions careening toward my boiling point. It’s been a tough road because my hurt is so deep. It doesn’t seem to matter my surroundings, my world has been in chaos. There seems to be no
end in sight. My will to fight harder broken; my will to try has been extinguished. I am excited to begin, another chapter but there are things to figure out before I make decisions. I can’t understand the truth that lies beneath when there is so much rubble on the top. If it makes sense, it’s probably wrong in my mind. It’s breaking my heart, and I am gasping
for each and every breath. A journey that has been without complications, but those make me who I am today. Easier to hope when you’ve got something to shoot towards. Right now I feel like my tank is running on empty. I know there is hope, but it’s hard to see when my heart is barely beating. It’s been so hard for me lately because I have felt alone. There is
time to wait but it’s becoming more difficult with every passing day. It seems to me that this hopelessness I feel will never go away. It seems that there are people who know the answers, but they are scared to share. Teach me to put my hope and trust in you Lord. This world will always let me down, and when my heart is broken there can be healing. It’s hard to
see the end, when you don’t know where to begin. I don’t want my marriage to end, because I truly have hope that better days are coming. It’s hard for me to imagine, that when my heart is broken it’s then it begins to heal. It’s been so long since I tried to be myself, because I was so wrapped up in pain of my mistakes. I am ready to heal, and ready to feel the
truth of what it means to live. It can’t and won’t be overnight, but it’s been a night mare. I can’t seem to get the rest, I need to keep going, because of everything I need. The days seem to drag on, but it seems my heart won’t make it another beat. My lungs are seizing up, because I am so anxious. I think I am going to have a panic attack, because there is so
much fear. I don’t know when my tears will come, because it can be at any time. It’s been that way for such a long time. Is there hope for me, and is there time for me to clear my mind. Every night looking at the ceiling but unable to sleep, thinking of my troubles, and what pain my actions have caused. It seems that things are going faster instead of slowing down.
My love for my wife hasn’t changed, but is it all in vain driving me insane? It seems like I am trapped with the walls closing in. A love I once knew, a peace I once felt now I feel like has left. If my hope is where it should be, then why is it so hard? If the people I opened up to hurt me, then why even share another time. It’s hard for me to understand, a society so broken
that it is blinded to the truth. I know it’s not supposed to be this way, but it feels like my circumstances keep me on my toes. I am not asking for you to know the answers, but I need some help from somewhere. It’s hard for me to keep hope alive when inside it’s the hope that is tearing me apart. I don’t expect you to understand, but I would ask that you would try to listen.
It’s been a never ending cycle that is getting old. Another day of silence, but in my mind my thoughts are screaming. It may seem things will calm down eventually but, in the mean time it seems that when things are chaotic that’s when things really change. I am not going to lie, this makes me want to cry. A love that cannot be expressed, because of my brokenness. I like to write but lately, I have lost the passion. My thoughts so messed up and my heart lost that it seems not to be a part of me anymore. If this is how it’s supposed to be then why I am fighting? I don’t feel right, I don’t feel well my life right now hell. Is there healing for the pain, and is there restoration for the time I gave away? People all around me, but on the inside I feel
so lonely. It’s hard to explain, because it’s all in my head and it can be exhausting to lend an ear to listen. But right now I need to heal myself, but it is hard for me to understand why because it brings more pain. If this the definition of healing then I’m not sure that I want to. If it was a sprint, would I pass out cold? Everyone tells me that it’s a marathon, that I need
to keep running til the end. It really doesn’t help, because I lack the strength to carry on. I need something to give me an extra boost. Pick me up Lord, and carry me. I haven’t the strength to keep going. I know there are times, when I need to let go, but right now I feel like I have let myself drown. As I gasp for air, the water seems to fill up my lungs. I know
what is right, but with the people I want to trust it seems like they have hurt me. It doesn’t feel like my heart will keep me stable, because each and every night I don’t know if I should just give up. The winds are thrashing my heart against the rocks, now I am unable to see the shore. It’s a hard thing to say that, I don’t think I can make it any longer. It’s harder still to
say I need my friends to carry me through this time. I know that they all are busy, and have obstacles they are facing. Sometimes, I feel as if they don’t know how to help me, but sometimes I feel like my investment in my marraige is a waste. I don’t expect anyone to understand, because I really haven’t expressed these feelings. If I try, then they get overwhelmed. It hasn’t always been this hard to reach out, but now I feel like I need those people more and more as I allow myself to be healed. The things I thought I needed, seem insignificant now in light of the things I really have. The story of my journey, who could ever relate? Who would take the time to try to understand, the thoughts inside my head? It seems kind of silly for me
to vent, if there is no hope or relief. It’s hard for me to open up time and time again, because it seems that every time I do I get a bunch of advice or stories that try to help. Sometimes I got to unwind, and other times we feel I’m wound so tight no one would ever understand. It’s hard for me to take care of the things that keep me running, because for so long I haven’t been
able to tend to myself. It feels like hope is so elusive, and it feels like a game of hide and seek. Well, even in that game if you can’t find the person, you can give up. It’s hard to be inside my head, because people have limited time or space for me. My heart is unrecognizable, at this stage and it seems like people want to give me advice on how they think they should fix it. Rather than helping me pick up the pieces, and asking if it’s too painful to put the piece back on the floor just the way it was. That will not help complete the puzzle any faster but my ticking clock is winding down. It seems like whenever I open up, I hurt even more. I feel like I have a time limit to figure this all out. I know it’s a journey but it seems that when push comes to shove, I always am the one getting shoved to the side. It’s a matter of life or death here, but I feel like my time is running out for people to help me. I feel like as I am trying to figure out my puzzle, others are doing theirs beside me without ever asking if there was anything to do to help me.
If I could paint you a picture, it would look like a mess of colors blended together, because it would be hard to tell there was any plan to begin with. Most people would not give a second to thought to asking a follow up question, like it looks like you’re struggling would you like for me to help, with the mess of colors you are given? I know it’s a long shot, but it may do someone some good, if they could listen and try to understand.