Written after my counselor taught me a method called the 5 year old method.
I am afraid to let others in…that actually goes deeper than I thought…why am I afraid…it’s actually because I am afraid that they will leave me…abandon me and betray me…why do I feel that way…it’s because I have had it happen in the past…why do I think I should live my life based on the past…because I am scared to hope…because I kind of gave up…when my world was turned upside down…What questions are going through my mind…so many to list…how much time do you got? I never meant for my marriage to end…thought it was something that I did…why because I blamed myself…the question I am now asking…is what does healing look like…when will I see my life get better…why did God allow this to happen the way it did…Why am I blaming Him…is it because I am trying to shield myself from the hurt that I am feeling…when did I become upset…how long has it been since I was able to rest…the answer to that question as I lie awake…is that it has been longer than I can remember…I don’t know all the answers to all of the questions I am asking…but as I learn to process my pain…I know it will get better…as my life begins to heal…because right now it feels like it’s cloudy…why do I think the sun is never shining…because I thought it was God that hurt me…I thought that He wanted to make my marriage end…I asked myself this question…Would a God who loves his children and gave His life for them…why did I think my situation was too big for God to comprehend…something that He didn’t want to happen but allowed…a paradox that I can never fully understand on this side of eternity…I thought I knew what I wanted…a happy marriage…a life of unity…but God had different plans…but why am I thinking that God has betrayed me…is it because I am blinded right now because my hurt is so deep…when will my healing start…when will my heart be open…when I am trying to hide from the things that I think will hurt me…Has God’s plan been thwarted by my marriage falling apart…is this really part of His plan for my life… It’s hard to see right now, child…but our God is a loving God…He is the healer of the broken…He is the physician that can fix my breaking heart…Sometimes I use the pain…as something I can hide behind…there has to be a reason…but I may not be able to see it yet…Society tells me that we should never hurt…but that can never explain…why there is so much hurt in the world today…is everyone who seems like that they have it all together…really like that on the inside…or is it just a mask…to try to let others think…that they are doing okay…the world looks at emotions as a sign of being weak sometimes…guys aren’t supposed to cry…girls are supposed to be the ones who understand…what the heart is saying…that’s not my experience…that’s how I was raised…the culture tries to feed me lies…because they don’t know the truth…it’s upside down in my mind…I thought that the world was made for me…and I was meant to be happy all the time…I think I can plan my life…but I have found out that God’s plan is always better…than I could ever see…I don’t want to hide any more…I want to be real…I was called to be free…I can’t feel the burden lifted yet…because it still weighs on me…but my shame I will carry and now I can leave it at the cross…the guilt that has followed me…ever since I got divorced…doesn’t and I won’t let it define who I am any longer…a team around me to help me…a team to support me…to bring me to a place…where I feel safe…a sounding board…but also one that provides me with the tools…that I was missing in my toolbox on my own…a long journey lies ahead…I know I will still struggle…with the voices that tell me that I made a mess of everything…I know there is hope…but right now I feel like I can’t accept it…I sometimes feel like I need to be punished…a bit longer…because I think I brought this on my self…As I am beginning to heal…I want my life to be stronger…my heart will be okay…and God will help me heal…I thought there was some one who needed to be blamed…so I chose to blame myself…I don’t have to any longer…the saying what doesn’t kill me, only makes me stronger…In God’s kingdom it’s kind of upside down…the weaker that I am…the stronger He is through me…I don’t know if I’m making sense…of these things that I am writing…but my heart can’t be contained any longer…I am scared because I feel as if I will be judged…because the things I thought I knew…were hiding my eyes from the truth…I don’t have to be afraid…because my God will lead me to the next steps in my healing process…I know this pain will not last forever…but I am having trouble grasping that simple phrase…because I think I have to make things right…I am not trusting God the way I should…because I am still afraid of who I think I am…and I am not trusting because I have taught myself that I’d be better off hiding…the pain that has my heart…no wonder my view of the world is clouded…It’s as if I am beginning to heal…but I know it is a journey…