Written at a time when I was really struggling with some of the past trauma that my marriage has caused.
Emotions: Sadness, anger, frustration, disgust, embarrassment, manipulation
People tell me that things will get better
People tell me that I need to express my feelings
Am I gaslighting myself, I sometimes ask because somethings are so bad
I have haven’t been able to be intimate, in ways that a married couple should
Been 39 years, maybe something will come around
A healthy relationship, even a casual one seems possible but how?
A healthy view of myself, trying to remember I am worthy of love
It’s been so long, that I remember how things were and try to share
But to no avail, I am still feeling stuck
I still am feeling all alone
Days turned to months turned to years
Is the kind of connection I am longing for, really one of love not of manipulation
This world is so heavy, things are spinning out of control in my mind
Things that I am curious about, people sometimes say that I am gross
People who haven’t experienced abuse, the heart is breaking
The support group, I have is strong but do I really have what it takes
The help I need, is it acceptable beyond the constructs I had when I was younger
Do I allow people to speak into my life if they don’t understand abuse as well
If I am angry with myself, do I project it onto others
If I am tired, am I keeping myself safe from harm