Written when I was in the middle of figuring out how I can most relate to people around me with my poetry, but also realizing that sharing something that is near and dear to my heart also leaves me vulnerable. I decided people who want to judge me, can. It will not change who I am or the words God lay on my heart.
Let’s take a minute and let me tell you a story…slow down and try to listen…because I think it may help you understand…the chaos going on in my head right now…I don’t know if there is anyone else out there…that has felt the loneliness that comes with a marriage that failed…I have hidden for a while…because I wasn’t quite ready to face my fears…the tears I cried each night…sometimes I feel like I want to be left alone…but sometimes I feel like community of close friends has fallen apart…if this is how being alone feels…it makes me sad…because I don’t want to be alone in my journey any longer…
Let’s examine the main issues going on…I am fearful…because it seems I have lost my faith…I am afraid to trust…because people have let me down…and will I be able to heal…if I keep everything inside…the circles of my friends…used to be interconnected…like the Olympic rings…now I feel that those connections are more distinct…separate from each other…was it something that I did or didn’t do…was it something that I said or didn’t say…
It is hard for me to trust in people in general…especially when that trust has been broken so many times…it just makes it harder the next time…because I form these walls…in my life to try to protect me…I am terrified of the possibilities…of you finding out how I’m really feeling…because would you try and judge me…but it shouldn’t matter…but it’s been a rough road back to recovery…because I feel like I let people down when I don’t share what’s on my heart…
The story of redemption is one of hope…but it seems like every time I try…to share a part of my heart with others…my friends are too busy…or they get confused…I know I tend to ramble on…I know I sometimes provide more detailed accounts…of events that people simply can’t understand…Should I keep trying to share…or should I go into my shell…Sometimes the biggest obstacle is listening…other times it’s sharing things that cause me to feel vulnerable…
I will choose to write…because God has given me an outlet…but only recently have I realized that it helps me as well…because some people don’t have the time…they don’t have the capacity to process…my hurts, pains, and frustrations…It’s hard right now because I am rebuilding my life from the inside out…usually it’s the other way around…when it comes to friends…because those in your outer circle…tend to move in and out of the inner…but this time I think it’s different…my inner circle has shattered…and I am starting new…the foundation of my life…is Jesus but I am trying to rebuild my inner circle…